A pun is the lowest form of humor -- when you don't think of it first.

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.

I once said cynically of a politician, "He'll double cross that bridge when he comes to it."

I've given up reading books. I find it takes my mind off myself.

Once he makes up his mind, he's full of indecision. [On Dwight D. Eisenhower]

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

So little time and so little to do.

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

There are two sides to every question: my side and the wrong side.

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.

Behind the phony tinsel of Hollywood lies the real tinsel.

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.

I am no more humble than my talents require.

I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on.

I'm going to memorize your name and throw my head away.

So little time and so little to do.

The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.

Underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character.